Tag: relationships

Conversations From the Road – Emotional Physical Healing

I know today’s blog title may sound a little ‘woo-woo’ but I was recently thinking in the last eight years, I haven’t had that insane level of pain like I did when I walked away from my last call-center job. I know sitting as long as I did and not always in the most ergonomic way wasn’t good for my body, but now I’m seriously beginning to think how much of my physical pain was caused by my emotional and mental silence.

As I look back at April 2016, the month before I left my last call-center job, I almost see it through a haze. In all my fifty years, I can’t remember a time like that month because I felt like I was in a god-awful amount of pain whenever I was awake. I felt like I could never get totally comfortable and sitting in the chair became a nightmare. By the end of a shift on the phones I almost wanted to scream or cry. It was so bad I had to take a break between almost every call some days just to catch my breath.

I told no one of this at the time because pain doesn’t make me think completely straight and I also didn’t trust my employer at the time not to manage me out the door if I asked for any accommodation because of this. So once I began to think I needed to walk away from that life, my pain began to let up almost immediately. And when that happened, it further strengthened my resolve to follow through on my decision to walk away from that life once and for all.

I’m not discounting any physical causes for pain in any way, shape, or form here. If you go to a doctor for a specific pain and they blow you off without running tests or trying to locate the source, then find another doctor. I was diagnosed with scoliosis when I was thirteen years old so I know I’ve done damage to my back and the disks from that misalignment of my spine. And yes, I know sitting for long periods of time in a not-so-ergonomic way wasn’t good for me either.

I believe there is a relationship between your physical health and your mental and emotional health, too. I’m not saying there is a one-size-fits-all approach to it, or that if you just do this or that, or the power of positive thinking or anything like that. Because there are causes of physical pain no amount of mental or emotional work will ease off or cure. But getting your head together and dealing with your emotional baggage is worth doing, not for a cure, but because it will help you feel better in some way, shape, or form.

In the last eight years as I’ve uncovered the origins of how I think and feel, I have dealt with massive bouts of anxiety. I’ve had some absolutely vicious anxiety attacks and days where I lived in what I call an ‘anxiety spiral’, a time where I was functioning on the surface but inside my mind was focused entirely on something else in the worst possible way. But in the last few months, I haven’t had this level of anxiety because I have spent a lot of time working to change the way my mind works, to find and implement new ways of dealing with things. The human brain is very adaptable, but you also to have to work your ass off to make it a reality.

Yes, there will be people in this world who will not like you when you break your silence and change yourself for the better. That’s for them to deal with, not you. Because if you’re not causing harm physically, mentally, or emotionally, but yes, maybe being more honest in the way you speak and live your life, you’re not a bad person for changing like that.

Too many people still try to medicate against mental and emotional issues and dysfunctional patterns with alcohol/drugs, food, bad behavior, or just trying to numb themselves out and not feel anything. You can’t live like that forever and yes it’s hard to do the work instead of medicating or numbing out. But the results are worth it, even if you feel like you’re all alone. You’re not alone because other people have done this work, and are doing it now. It’s why those of us who have done this work share our stories in order to reach out to people who want to break their silence, and do the work to heal themselves as much as they can.

And yes, there are physical results to doing mental and emotional work. For me, it’s not being in as much pain as I used to be, and also not feeling as poorly as I have. Yes, I’m going through perimenopause but I can identify when I’m having those funky symptoms and deal with them. And yes, I still have allergies but again, I can deal with those. But I believe I have finally learned not to bottle my mental and emotional shit up and hurt myself physically for it. Because when I realized I needed to stop punishing myself mentally and emotionally, I stopped punishing myself physically.’

I know I spent way too many years beating the shit out of myself mentally and emotionally when I shouldn’t have. When I stopped doing that and started telling myself that I wasn’t a bad person, and if anyone didn’t like that about me to ‘fuck off’, I felt better physically. So don’t beat the shit out of yourself in any way, shape, or form, for anyone or anything. And be sure to tell anyone who doesn’t like that to just ‘fuck off’. Take care of yourself first. It’s worth all the hard work and working through all the pain.

Break your silence.

Dirty Thoughts and Stories – Not Settling For Anything Less Than an HEA

HEA stands for happily-ever-after, though some writers in the romance community will also use the term HFN, which stands for happy-for-now. Both are used to show that at the end of a romance story, the two lead characters have overcome the conflicts of the plot, worked through their character arcs and are in a committed relationship at the end of the story. To me, what has always made this type of ending almost ‘revolutionary’ is that the two lead characters don’t settle for anything less than an emotionally satisfying ending and good orgasms for both partners. In real life, too many people settle for far less, than they should and because of that, relationships fail.

Romance readers have been criticized since the dawn of romance writing that they have totally unrealistic expectations of what to want in a relationship and in a life partner, that sometimes you have to ‘make do’ with someone’s ‘flaws’, or sometimes settle for less than perfection.

Dear readers, I call bullshit on that.

I’m going to start my bullshit-call with this question:

Why would you want to be with someone who makes you feel like shit?

By this I mean why would you want to be with someone who will put you down, not listen to you or only when you say something they want to hear? Why would you want to be with someone who won’t comfort you when you’re sad and hurting? Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t care about your sexual pleasure and try to have sex in a mutually-satisfying way together? Most of all, why would you want to be with someone who makes you question your thoughts and feelings, and makes you feel like a failure when you do nothing wrong?

I’ve always said kindness is the most attractive quality in any person, but in a romantic or sexual partner, I think it’s even more important. Because it shows that this is a person who doesn’t have a mean-streak in them as my father used to say, someone who hasn’t rationalized cruelty, someone who has learned how to control their emotions and not cross certain lines, and most of all, someone who hasn’t turned their insecurities and emotional-pain inside-out mean and taken it out on the rest of the world.

My mother used to say, “If they’ve done it once, what makes you think they won’t do it again?” By ‘it’, she meant if someone lied, or cheated on you. She would explain that if someone rationalized that kind of behavior once, then they had the ability to do it again. She also used to say people like that very rarely, if ever, changed. I will add that whether or not you give someone like that a chance is entirely up to you, but I will also add my number-one piece of advice, too: your job in life is not to pull someone’s head out of their ass for them. It’s not your job, my job, or anyone else’s, either. It’s up to that person to decide whether or not to do that and if needed, they can seek professional help. And most of all, that person has to respect your choice as to what kind of relationship you choose to have with them up to and including not letting them into your life in any close way.

Years ago, I knew that I could attract the wrong person to me and I didn’t want to get involved in a shitty relationship because of it. I also knew that if I had met someone good, the shit would have hit the fan in some way, and because of that, I might have destroyed a good thing in order to keep the peace. But I’m older, wiser, and hopefully someday I’ll meet someone special and have a genuine, soul-deep connection for however much time we’re given. And if someone has a ‘problem’ with that, then they can fuck off and splutter like a fool while I walk away and stay away from their shit. Because I will not settle for anything less than being with someone who doesn’t make me feel like shit.

I think this is why I’ve always been drawn to romance, and why I embraced it so deeply in my late teens and especially in my twenties. It’s because in the romance novels that I read and loved, no woman settled for anything less than being with a man who truly loved her for who she was, who didn’t treat her like shit and call it love.

Recently, I read a story of a woman who was raised in an extremely-conservative Christian evangelical culture where women are told they must ‘submit’ to their husbands, meaning they must obey their husbands at all times and not express any real emotion or any thought that could be potentially contrary to their husband’s. Luckily, this woman married a man who didn’t buy into that submissive-wife bullshit and genuinely cared about his wife’s thoughts and feelings When she damn-near had a breakdown and told him she was trying to be the best submissive-wife she could, he told her that was not what he wanted from her and that he never wanted that to begin with. He told her he genuinely loved her for who she was, and that he wanted to know what her thoughts and feelings were, even if they were different from his. They got their happily-ever-after when they began to reject this submissive-culture bullshit and embrace the genuine love they had for each other.

So there is NO need to submit, or settle for anything less than an HEA. And if that’s a revolutionary concept, then VIVA LA REVOLUCION!

Conversations From the Road – A Letter to Women Today

Paper by Darkmoon_Art via Pixababy

Dear Women of Today (a lot of this is for the younger set but us oldsters can use some of this advice, too),

I have heard that some of the younger-set (women under thirty) are seriously thinking of becoming ‘trad wives’ or ‘stay at home girlfriends’ or feel like you should not be educated, or more accomplished than a man simply because if you are, then you won’t find a good husband and have babies with him.

This is bullshit. Complete and total fucking bullshit. Here’s why:

First, those ‘trad wives’ and ‘stay at home girlfriends’ you see on Tik Tok and other social media channels are grifters, using this ‘trad wife bullshit’ to make money and get you to rip out your brains, self-confidence, and self-esteem out of yourself until you become a walking ghost-corpse, or worse, turn that emptiness inside-out mean and make people’s lives a living hell by making them feel like they’ll never be good enough for anyone at all.

Second, people who hurt you, who pick at you in every way possible, who make you feel like you’re not good enough, who flat-out tell you your thoughts and feelings don’t matter and that no one will ever care about them DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU AT ALL! I put that last bit in all-caps to make a point. People who make you feel like shit all the time don’t care. They don’t know how to care, and they choose not to. As to why, that’s for them to figure out, not you, or anyone else for that matter. People like this who constantly pick at people deserve to be told to ‘fuck off’ and be left alone with their butt-hurt bullshit. So say ‘fuck off’ now and not until you turn forty or so.

Third, my mother always used to say a woman should always be able to take care of herself, to provide for herself financially. She felt that a woman had a right to take care of herself and be on her own if she chose to. She was married to my father for thirty-five years but there were a few times when she seriously thought about leaving him and if she had, I would have gone with her. She always told me to be independent and I have taken that to heart. And I honestly don’t give one single fuck if anyone doesn’t like that.

Fourth, expand your mind, and not with the use of psychedelic drugs like people did back in the 60’s. I mean expand your mind by keeping up with politics and current events and NOT from news sources like Fox News or the Epoch Times or bullshit-sources like that. Learn how to see through the bullshit and spin and see the good being done in this world instead.

Five, READ. This is something I need to work on but carve out time, even if it’s just a sliver of your day. Read different books, fiction, and non-fiction, short and long. Form a book discussion group if you want to put yourself on track. Groups are fun and also a really great way to get out and socialize.

Six, explore different things. Listen to other types of music, watch movies you normally don’t go for, watch documentaries on all kinds of different things.

Seven, get out into the world. Go places, see things, and if you have the financial means to travel, do so. And don’t be afraid to do things alone- be smart and vigilant but have a good time.

Eight, don’t think if you haven’t married or had kids by some age, like thirty, that you’re on the shelf and no one will love you. If anyone says that to you, tell them to shove that up their ass. YOU decide if and when to settle down and have a family but do it with someone who will be a true partner, someone who doesn’t make you feel like shit or set bullshit expectations for you.

Nine, be good to people who support you, encourage you, and lift you up. Be there for them in those ways, and give them space to share their thoughts and feelings. Be a good listener and if asked for advice, think about it before giving it. People have every right to their thoughts and feelings, no matter what they are- good, bad, ugly, or anything in between. And I believe if you give people space to work those feelings out, that you’ll help them when they need it the most.

Ten, be good to yourself. Be your biggest supporter, your biggest cheerleader, and the number-one person who picks you up when you’re feeling down. Don’t beat the shit out yourself or tear yourself down. And don’t live in fear or dread that someone is not going to like you, or ‘approve’ of your life and your choices. If you’re not causing harm and someone can’t accept that, yet again, tell them to ‘fuck off’ and walk away.

No one knows how long they’ll have on this Earth. In very rare occurrences, the Universe might give you a time-frame like it did to my mother. But for the most part, you’ll have more time than you realize so try not to waste too much of it. And if you have let some of it go like I have, you don’t have to keep doing that. Make the most of what you got and do good in this life.

And as my father used to say, if anyone doesn’t like that then fuck them if they can’t take a joke.

Love, Michele

Dirty Thoughts and Stories – Sex IS For Pleasure

This is for all the people who click on this page after it comes up in an internet search. Thanks for visiting and I will do my best to post regular features to this page going forward.

Sex IS for pleasure.

Sounds alright to most people, right? I mean, what’s wrong with sexual pleasure and orgasms? Well, this is still kind of a revolutionary concept to some people, especially uptight moralistic assholes as I will now call them. The reason I’m writing this is that despite the Sexual Revolution of the 1960’s and 1970’s, surviving the AIDS crisis of the 1980’s, and the fact that Ted Cruz was NOT successful in outlawing the number of sex toys people could own in the state of Texas (click here if you want to know more about this and get some good joke material in return). But now in the year 2024, uptight moralistic assholes are saying yet again that sex is only for procreation between a man and a woman.

Why?

If someone doesn’t have an orgasm they can buy a sex toy and read the instruction manual because even the Texas State Legislature hasn’t banned sex toys yet. And to any uptight moralistic asshole reading this: an orgasm won’t kill you. ‘The Little Death’ as it’s called is not death after orgasm, but a feeling of being physically drained by a really good orgasm. Is that what these assholes are afraid of?

Maybe. In reality, people who go along with this kind of bullshit, of denying themselves any real emotion other than blind obedience to some self-serving prick-asshole cult leader think if they don’t have to do the hard work of thinking for themselves and feeling their feelings then everything will be alright. This is NOT going with the flow and taking the easy way out because if you do this kind of shit, you’ll either destroy your soul or bottle up your shit so badly it will come out the wrong end in a bad way.

Now I will say this: I have to care about someone in order to be intimate with them. I have to feel like I can trust them not to hurt me, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally, too. Because the most attractive quality in any person is genuine, soul-deep kindness, people who don’t hurt others, who don’t talk shit to people and try to tear them down, people who work their own emotional shit and do their best to live their lives with empathy, compassion, and conscience. Why be with someone who makes you feel like shit about yourself and honestly doesn’t give a damn about your thoughts and feelings?

Too many people settle for little scraps of affection assholes toss at them and then show extreme gratitude when they should be telling these people to fuck off and walk away. And too many people still believe the bullshit that they can’t be happy on their own.

Many years ago, I once said this to my father: I can be just as miserable on my own, but I can be just as happy on my own, too. It’s taken me a long time to truly understand and believe that and every time I put that out into the world I know I’m defying a lot of conventional thinking and more than my share of assholes who don’t know how to deal with their own butt-hurt bullshit. I’m a work-in-progress when it comes to letting myself feel emotions, especially being happy. In the past I could project what I call an image of ‘quaint happiness’, which was me minus all the intensity and profanity here. But that was just me trying to appease people who didn’t even know I was doing that, and wouldn’t have known what to do what that appeasing bullshit if I had told them about it.

So the moral of the story here, dear readers, is this:

Be happy. Feel happy. And yes, sex is for pleasure.

I’ve shown happiness to people who were in foul, pissy moods and they shit all over mine and I used to feel guilty about that. Now I’d say this: if you want me to help you out of your shitty mood, I will. But if you just want to pull me down into that muck with you and shove all of it down my throat, no. Because if you can’t accept that someone is having a different experience than you are, ask yourself why. Ask yourself why you have to shit all over someone’s moment of happiness.

To wrap this up here I’ll say this: it’s okay to feel sexual pleasure, whether in a mutually-consenting encounter or on your own in private. No need to feel shame or guilt for that, nor do you have deal with someone’s bullshit over that, either. Uptight moralistic assholes can figure that out for themselves because your job in life is NOT to pull someone’s head out of their ass for them. So have that orgasm, find that special someone, and have the best fucking orgasm you can.