My Daily Blog – No Such Thing As a Sure Thing

“Everything you thought was a sure thing wasn’t.”

I typed that quote above into my phone on April 29, 2020 after I’d dropped off my passenger on an early-morning Uber run. The thought came to me as I drove by a closed strip club on the way to the drop-off location. Yet I have struggled to articulate what this lack of a ‘sure thing’ is since then.

Why?

For starters, the covid-19 pandemic has proven there is NO such thing as a sure thing anymore except the absolute basic essentials needed to survive in life, such as massive amounts of toilet paper. It’s also shown that service sectors and other types of industries that weathered recessions and other economic downturns couldn’t survive this one. Because of this, many people say there will never be a return to ‘normal’, or life as it was before the pandemic.


Well, no shit, Sherlock. You can’t go back and live in the past despite what some assholes might say or try to get you to believe. Yes, most of us do live in the present hustle-and-shuffle and wake more often than not going ‘what the hell-shit is going to happen today?’ That type of constant low-level anxiety and doom-and-gloom is a normal that most of us honestly don’t think we’ll ever really let go of, even if we do find some way to give ourselves a financial cushion. Because we’ve lived for so long on the edge that if we do get that cushion, we won’t allow our asses to sink into it.

What I’ve lived with for so long is a low-level, near-constant hum of anxiety. It’s a hum accompanied by a visual of a sword hanging over my head that really isn’t there because anxiety for the most part, is a huge lying sack-of-shit bitch. But since she’s been with me for so long, she’s got a permanent indent on the sofa cushion in my mind. She’s comfortable with parking her ugly ass in my mind and running her mouth because she knows I can’t completely evict her ass (she’s really good at loopholes).

So what do you do about a lying sack-of-shit who won’t ever completely leave you?

Call out their lies and bullshit.

This is something we need to do more than ever and I believe it starts within your own mind. For example, I woke up this morning having anxiety over doing things I need to do today. Why? Because my anxiety came off the sofa around midnight and woke my ass up (I think I had a bad dream but can’t remember what I dreamed if I did). So I got up and made coffee, fed my doggy, and sat down to write this because writing is good therapy. I got the gist of this as I got out of bed this morning: life is a constant series of adjustments not just to shit happening but because that’s how it goes. Nothing stays the same forever despite the fact people want to make it stay the same, or take it back to where it was at some point in the past, or just be total fucking assholes and not get called out on that roundabout-bullshit.

It doesn’t have to be that way, I tell myself as I will tell anyone reading this. So there’s no such thing as a sure thing. There never was a sure thing. That was a good movie title (and funny movie though I haven’t seen it in ages). But life plows on pandemics and shit-bags and all.

But there is no sword of anxiety hanging over your head despite what you may think. There will always be shit-balls thrown at you but shit washes off eventually. Make time to do what you need to do, do what you want to do, laugh, smile, joke, and talk shit about people and things that deserve it, especially your own dumb-ass anxiety.

Even though there is no such thing as a sure thing (damn, that would make a good song lyric or rap line), that’s okay. For the late Bob Marley was right: “Don’t worry about a thing/Because every little thing is gonna be alright” (‘Three Little Birds’ written by Bob Marley from the 1977 album ‘Exodus’)

It’s going to be alright because despite the lack of a sure thing, or any kind of so-called normal, life will go on. So live it as best as you can. And maybe try to sing along with Bob instead of your dumb-ass anxiety.

From My ‘About Me (and my fur-kids) Page

About Me (and my fur-kids)

Let’s start with my fur-kids:

Ronan the chonky-cat: He’s almost ten years old (in human years) and he’s sweet as can be and patient as a saint with my dog, but he’s not the sharpest claw in the paw sometimes. He was a stray I adopted on a very cold February morning when I went outside to put some food out for the colony of feral cats who lived in the apartment complex I was living in at the time. As soon as I stepped outside, they ran like hell except for this little ball of black-and-white fur. He meowed and as I opened the patio door back up, he ran into my apartment and jumped up on my sofa and curled up in a blanket I had there. I told him to make himself at home and he did. He loves cat food, tuna fish, and though he won’t admit it, belly rubs.

Darcy the diva-dog: She’s almost nine years old now (in human years) and smart and stubborn, yet still as playful as a puppy. As to what kind of dog she is, I always say she looks like the result of a blind date between a border collie and a golden retriever. My friend found her and another dog abandoned on the side of the road and brought them to my place. I took Darcy and we got the other dog adopted out. I’ve never had a dog before so needless to say I knew nothing of proper socialization or training. But since she almost got attacked three times in the first year, basic nice-nice-cute training probably wouldn’t have helped. Luckily, I found a trainer who helped me learn how to handle her but Darcy is an expert at canine social distancing. She loves to eat pretty much anything that looks remotely edible, thinks all humans live to pet and praise her beauty, and will freely admit she loves her daily belly rubs.

Now for me:

Single, never married, no human kids.

Birthdate: May 15, 1974 (presents are appreciated even on my un-birthdays)

Born in San Antonio, Texas, lived there till I was three when family moved to Houston in 1977. We came back to San Antonio in 1988 and I’ve been here since minus a one-month stay in Alabama in 2018. I haven’t traveled outside of the good old U.S. of A. and due to the current covid-19 epidemic am not sure when I’ll be able to cross the border or an ocean and be allowed entry somewhere else.

I grew up as a short, fat, extremely-shy and extremely-klutzy kid. And I’m still a short, fat, not-as-shy but still very-klutzy adult. I can’t remember not having an overactive imagination and am eternally grateful for it because at least it gives me somewhere to go when things get exceptionally-shitty. I graduated high school with low-B average, no SAT/ACT scores and no idea what I wanted to do other than write. When I was twenty-one, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and spent the next seven years helping to care for her until she died in 2002. My dad outlived her for nine years till he died in 2011.

I left home on my own for the first time in 2003 to be closer to my second call-center job and stayed in call-center hell until 2016. Since 2016, I’ve done delivery work, drove for Uber, gotten evicted from my apartment and lived out of motel rooms. But throughout all the bullshit, pain, and misery of my life I’ve protected my dream of being a creative professional. I’ve been writing seriously since I was ten years old and have been pursuing it off and on ever since.

Some favorites of mine:

Music: most anything though I have a special love for 1980’s music

Movies: most anything though I have a special love for sci-fi, good comedy, and old classics

Food: Tacos, burgers, pizza though I like to try new stuff

Drink: Coffee, root beer, and anything non-alcoholic (sadly, my body does not like any kind of fermented alcohol)

Books: Way too numerous to mention but my heart belongs to romance and good non-fiction

Political affiliation: Flaming Liberal Progressive Democrat

My Daily Blog – Letting Go

Letting Go of the ‘Someone’ In Your Head

Yesterday I wrote how I’m going to stop saying, “And if anyone doesn’t like it…” or some variation of that because that ‘someone’ is now being evicted from my mind.

I think a lot of us live with a ‘someone’ or two or three (or more) inside our head. And these ‘someone’s’ are based on people we’ve known in our lives. Their relationship to us can be either by blood or by choice, or because we’ve been thrown in with them. Regardless of how the relationship was formed, when it goes south and that person becomes someone we’re always seeking approval from when we don’t need to… then it’s time for them to go.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote ‘Someone doesn’t really care about you at all, and they probably have never known how much you cared about their opinions when you shouldn’t have’ in the first place’. The question here then is why?

First, it could be because some of the most opinionated people are the loudest ones in the room and not just in terms of volume. Some people have very strong opinions even when those opinions don’t have one ounce of real knowledge or experience to back them up. Some people in this world love to shoot their mouths off without thinking because they can, and not enough people have told them they’re wrong and to just shut the fuck up.

Second, if you’re shy and timid, like I still am at times, a loud or strong voice can scare the crap out of you into silence and retreat. It’s a survival instinct, the fight or flight response being triggered that causes this to happen. But if you have done this please know that you’re not a tiny animal fleeing from some monster predator in the wild.

Third, don’t try and figure out why people run their damn mouths like a drunk asshole when they’re sober. For as my late father used to say to me: “It’s pointless to beat the shit out of a drunk or an idiot because five minutes after you finish doing that, they won’t remember why you did it to them in the first place.” And if they’re not drunk then they’re just an idiot.

Fourth, when you walk away from some asshole ‘someone’, walk away with your head held high like a bad-ass action movie star. There is no shame or guilt in walking away from someone who will only hold you back with their words.

Now, I will freely admit here it’s taken me a long time to realize those four points above and truly accept that I’m capable of doing them. But this morning I realized I’m not hearing this asshole voice in my mind that I call ‘someone’. I finally found a way to shut them up once and for all. Even though I know sooner or later I’ll write some stuff here that will piss someone off that will have them coming at me in some stupid slightly pissy-whiney passive-aggressive way. And in return I’ll try to be clever and remind them that if I write in a public forum, I’m not talking about any person specifically. If I feel the need to be specific, I’ll take that shit private.

So if you are thinking about saying or doing something but won’t because of what ‘someone’ might think, take that thought and flush it down the toilet right now. Then wash your hands. Because if someone really cares about you, when you open your mouth to speak or tell them about something you want to do, they’ll do the following in return:

1) They’ll listen without interruption and with their complete and undivided attention.

2) They’ll ask questions if they’re not clear on something or if they want to know more.

3) Unless you’re talking about doing something destructive, illegal, immoral, mean, cruel, or without conscience or empathy, they’ll find a way to support and encourage you.

4) Most of all, they won’t talk down to you and make you feel like shit just for having the thoughts and feelings you do and expressing them. When someone really cares about you, they will NEVER tell you your thoughts and feelings don’t matter, or that you don’t have any right to talk about them at all.

So to end on a high note here I will say this right here and now:

You have every right to your thoughts and feelings no matter what they are, good, bad, ugly, or anything in between. You also have the right to deal with them in your own way.

No matter what ‘someone’ might say to that.

My Daily Blog – Beginning Again

“It’s never too late to being again.” – Julia Cameron

First thing I want to say here is this: I spent my last fuck to give a few days ago, specifically when San Antonio reported a record 1,286 cases of covid-19 in one day, shattering all previous records (and yesterday we broke that work with over 1,300 cases). I’ve been off the road for the last several weeks due to the rise in numbers and also because my car’s transmission is slipperier than usual and I’m trying to figure out what to do about it (either see if it’s viable to fix or just try to get another car). I’m getting unemployment money from the state of Texas so I can afford to take the time off and also fund this little venture here.

Second, by spending my last fuck to give I will no longer say either out loud or on screen here ever again: “And if anyone doesn’t like this, they can shove it up their asses” or any variation of that. By saying that so damn much I was doing two things: blaming other people for my own shitty way of thinking and two, giving power to people who have never deserved it and probably didn’t know they had it over me in the first place.

So the first lesson I want to give here to you, my dear readers, is this:

Don’t give people power over you they have done nothing to deserve. I’ve lived with a fear for over twenty-five years that someone would talk shit about me so badly they would destroy my life. There’s a story behind that I’ll be telling in the coming weeks and months here but for now I want to say this: I’m through with that shit once and for all.

Second lesson I want to give to you is this:

Unless you’re doing something destructive, illegal, immoral, mean, cruel, or without conscience or empathy, you’re doing just fine. In addition to that, you don’t have to have all the answers and no one on this Earth has all the answers despite what more than a few assholes will tell you.

Because in the end I want you all to know this, too:

Everyone else is just as full of shit as I am, but I’m not a bad person.

I’ll be telling the story behind that here in the next week or so as that will be the first chapter to my ‘Breaking Radio Silence’ project. That’s a book I have called my self-help/memoire hybrid and also my therapy book. This is my big non-fiction book project and I’m finally getting a handle on it almost four years after I came up with the original idea.

In addition to that project, I’ll be blogging daily because I like to rant and rave, piss and moan, and maybe even be a sarcastic wise-ass and call shit out. I’m not putting any topic off-limits and the warning I have as part of my page header is all I’ll give anyone here (Sarcastic, Profane, Irreverent, Wise-Cracking, and Somewhat Serious). I’ve also got several other projects cooking, too with more to come, and some I don’t even have pages set up for yet.

My overall goal here is to create a home for my creative work and also to generate income off it. I want to be a self-supporting creative professional because as the last few months have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, there is no such thing as a sure thing anymore.

So pardon the construction mess and constantly evolving content. I’ve paid for a year of hosting and domain registration so I’ve got a whole year till that particular bill comes due to make this work. Or before we all become cast members in a real-life Mad Max movie or go on the run from the Walking Dead.