Tag: music

Behind the Story – Not a Member of the Tortured Poets Department

The ‘Tortured Poets Department’ is reportedly a term used by a group of male singer-songwriter dudes as the name of their group chat according to media sources. It’s also reportedly where Taylor Swift got the idea to use this as the title of her most-recent album due to her previous singer-songwriter boyfriend being a part of this group of dudes. And I will say this: when I heard this all I could think of was a bunch of dudes gazing into the depths of their navels and wailing about it while trying to hide out from the world. Because supposedly, Taylor broke up with her tortured poet-singer songwriter boyfriend because she didn’t want to hide out in the woods or in the back of pub somewhere. Instead, she’s hit the road and is on track to finish her massive world tour at the end of year.

I started writing poetry when I began scribbling in notebooks when I was around ten, eleven years old (Taylor Swift was twelve when she began writing songs and taking guitar lessons). Now I never took up the guitar because I would have been a left-handed player so that would have meant a re-strung instrument and two, my eye-hand coordination sucks because typing and cooking are about the only things I can do using eye-hand coordination. Unlike Taylor, I eventually put my poetry aside and got into scriptwriting, then novel-writing, and now I blog, write short stories, short novels, full-length novels, long-form essays and articles, and poetry.

Around 2018 if I remember correctly, I began to write and post my poetry. And one ginormous dick-headed asshole in my Facebook writers group decided that he was going to shit all over my poetry simply because he could. He was a self-righteous arrogant pin-prick who took his fragile male ego out on me, then probably hated the fact that I took my poems down and stopped writing so he had to move on and torment someone else. Now if he or anyone tried to do that to me first, I’d shrug them off and continue to write and post as much I wanted to and if they did get up in my face, I’d tell them to ‘fuck off’ then block them in every way possible.

Back then, I wasn’t in a place to stand up for myself and be proud of my work. At that time, my silence was shattering so hard and so loudly I could barely think sometimes. I felt so overwhelmed and exhausted and poetry for me at that time was like a light in a very dark tunnel. So when this fucking asshole came at me, it hurt. It made me feel shame and guilt for wanting to find a light and go towards it. His bullshit-snide cruel comments made me feel so stupid, and worst of all, like I was doing something wrong. But he was an exception, and when I stopped posting my poems people asked why and with shame and guilt I replied that I felt stupid and felt like maybe other people were somehow offended by what I was doing and I needed to stop. Yes, I was this fucked up back then but when you’re in a vulnerable place like I was, this is some of the shit you can feel when someone comes after simply because they can.

Like Taylor Swift, I hid out for a long time, taking tentative and soft steps and listening to the quiet. That quiet time can heal and it is needed. But like Taylor Swift, I feel like coming out into the world, hitting the road and seeing what’s out there. And like Taylor, I’m putting my work out there and if you like it, great. If you don’t, no worries. But if you get in my face about it, I will tell you to ‘fuck off’ and block you if I have to.

Because there is NO shame or guilt needed in being a creative person. There is NO need to hide out and torture yourself simply because someone thinks you’re a sad-sack loser, or totally misunderstood. If being quiet and out of the spotlight is your thing, then cool. But for me, I’m not feeling that way anymore.

I will not feel shame or guilt over doing something that isn’t wrong, or causing harm such as writing and posting poetry. And I don’t give one single fucking shit if someone says that they didn’t ‘mean’ to try and shut me down because if you’re going to be a mean and cruel asshole, own your fucking shit. Because trust me, I mean every word I say here good and ugly. People have a right to say whatever the fuck they want to, just as people have the right to respond to it in anyway they want to, up to and including ‘fuck off’.

My father used to say, “You don’t have to sit around feeling sad and sorry for yourself all the time. You have the right to be happy.” I’ll add that you don’t have to torture yourself thinking that if you do it then other people won’t because trust me, that won’t stop anyone from coming at you with their mean-ass bullshit if they want to. Don’t turn your pain and anger inside-out mean as my father also used to say and not expect people to push back on that, sometimes hard enough to knock on your ass. Everyone has a breaking point as another old saying goes, and I’ve hit mine repeatedly over the last few years though I refer to it as ‘breaking radio silence’.

I’ve caught poetry as the old Monty Python routine goes. And I’m not letting it go.

Conversations From the Road – Musical Souvenirs

As I write this piece here, I’m listening to the album, ‘Brave and Crazy’ by Melissa Etheridge, which came out in 1989 so I had it on cassette first before I got it on CD. I can’t even remember the last time I listened to this album but it’s probably been at least ten years or more, give or take. I chose this album because I wanted to see if it would cause an emotional avalanche if I put it on but it hasn’t. In fact, I’m listening to it with a kindness to myself back then that I haven’t always treated myself with.

Last Monday, I was working on my book, ‘Breaking Radio Silence’, trying to write about ten years ago when I turned forty and it didn’t come out the way I wanted to. So I’ve spent the last few days thinking about that and I came to two conclusions:

First, I need to look back on myself with kindness and not let anger and pain take over my writing. Because I know a big part of my healing process has been learning how to be kind to myself and that means being kind to my past self, too.

Second, to let the music take over. There’s a line in the song, ‘More Than a Feeling’ by Boston (songwriter Tom Scholz) that goes,

When I’m tired and thinking cold
I hide in my music, forget the day

Music has always been a bit of an escape for me like books and other forms of entertainment and art. And sadly over the last few years, I’ve moved away from that because I was afraid of the emotions all that music and stuff could wake up inside me, and possibly trigger an emotional avalanche. But I’m discovering that intense emotional reaction isn’t happening and I’m a bit surprised, but very happy about that at the same time, too.

I think this lack of intense emotional reaction is the result of me being kinder to myself than I have ever been before in my life, and not being afraid of anyone being mean or cruel, or hurtful anymore. In fact, if anyone ever comes at me with any mean-ass bullshit, I’m going to ask them one question: “Why are you doing this?” And I can guarantee you the answer to that question will be, “I don’t know.” Then I will reply: “Well, when you do figure out why you’re saying shit like to me, why don’t you come and tell me for shits and giggles.”

Another reason I’m looking back musically and starting to listen to stuff I haven’t listened to in years is because of something I read recently that a person’s musical taste seems to form up and solidify by age thirty, and that after age thirty a person starts to move away from popular music altogether. Now I listen to newer stuff occasionally and yes, there is some really good stuff being out there today. But I’m at the point in my life where I’m working on material where I need to go back into the past. I need the soundtrack to get the background music and cue up the visuals that I need to set the scene and tone.

My father used to say not to live in the past. But I think in order to truly move forward in your life that you have to make peace with your past, and your past self. One big way to do that is to look back at your past self and your past life with kindness, and work to heal the pain. And yes, put on the music to block out all the mean-ass, dumb-ass voices that will try and tear you down like they did in the past. But I remember being curled up in bed with my headphones on listening to my music, wearing out cassettes in some cases, and for those brief moments in time, everything was okay. So I’m going back to that place with the knowledge and understanding I’ve gained in the years since.

So tomorrow, I’ll be back to ‘Breaking Radio Silence’ but this time, I’ll have a better way of helping myself set the scene to show how I was living in a way that wasn’t for myself. And I’ll know to be kind to myself and not let the anger and the pain take over. Because when I listen to my old music, I’m not feeling anger and pain, but I’m feeling comforted in how it’s taken me away from that dark place.

Finally, I hope this is the beginning of a series of pieces on music because I’m fascinated by how my thoughts and feelings have changed as I keep coming back to music after years away. I think there’s a lot to that, and probably more than a few stories about that.

Don’t distance yourself from the past because you won’t get pulled back into it and live there if you don’t want to. It’s okay to open the boxes of memories in your mind and look at the souvenirs you’ve saved. Because that’s what I want to do with the music of not just my youth, but of the years since then.

Conversations From the Road – Cool Cat Energy and More

Well, first off the eclipse here in San Antonio, Texas was kind of a bust. It only got as dark as it does before a good thunderstorm rolls through and barely enough to trigger the streetlight sensors. Oh well, we’re used to disappoint here in San Antonio (hello, San Antonio Spurs and their last few seasons). But today I’m going to take a page live on my website here and tell you first off, this online store of mine is a work in-progress as Café Press, the site I’m using to make stuff with is still undergoing some upgrades it seems and sometimes stuff takes a while to load.

Here’s the page with the first products have loaded so far:

https://www.cafepress.com/shop/CoolCatEnergyMore

And here’s the page here that tells the story behind this shop name:

Cool Cat Energy Shop

I’ve been trying to come up with an idea for merchandise and yes, to make money in a sort of passive way though it does take more time than people might realize to come up with logos and size them and edit them then get them to work on the Café Press site. I’m not complaining by a longshot as the Café Press site has gotten a lot more user-friendly and the site I use to design the logos (Canva) is pretty user-friendly, too. But when I got told I had ‘cool cat energy’, it stuck in my head then when I found the kitty-cat artwork on Canva I knew I had something to work with.

I aspire to cool cat energy- cool, calm, nap. I got the nap part down pretty good except when my mind is going two-hundred miles an hour and I’m in a really pissy mood. I try to be cool and calm but when I’m in a hormonal rage that cool and calm are a little hard to maintain. But behind the wheel with my passengers, especially during the early part of my morning runs, cool and calm easy to do as there isn’t a lot of traffic and idiots on the road at that time of the morning.

To be honest right now, I really feel like my life is a perpetual work in-progress. But that’s okay as I think that’s how life always is unless you’ve got a good routine going on. My routines, like being on the road, aren’t one-hundred percent routine. And I’m more than okay with that as I’ve been an Uber driver for seven years now and now that every run won’t be an exact copy of the previous run. It keeps things interesting as I’ve told multiple passengers.

I’m still trying to carve out more time for writing but I’m also knuckling down and making the time I have to start to work for me. What really holds me back sometimes is a very stubborn and persistent voice in my head that makes me question everything I do, tries to make me feel like I’m an idiot, and comes off as the most annoying, ignorant, and all-around dumb-ass that I’m lucky I don’t have to deal with in person and haven’t had to in a very long time. But for anyone who still hears a voice in their head telling them they’re an idiot, or don’t know what they’re doing or being awful or anything like that, say this:

I AM GOOD ENOUGH.

And keep saying that every chance you get until you start to believe it. Because trust me, anyone who thinks you’re not good enough even though you’re trying your best and working your ass off not to cause harm to anyone or anything needs to be told that you are good enough, and to fuck off. And don’t go feeling sorry for people who shoot their mouths off as a way of dealing with their mental or emotional hemorrhoids because you’re not someone’s hemorrhoid-cream (maybe I’ll put that on a t-shirt if I can find a vendor that will let me).

Also, I’m hoping to have a completed short story up by the weekend if I can just sit down and write it (and edit it, too). It’ll be a romance yes, but with a fair amount of steamy sexual situations though not off-the-wall crazy. I like the characters and I think I’ve got a good hook for the story as it’s not just two people alone in a hotel room doing the wild thing.

Well, the eclipse hooptie-doodle is over and the road is calling to me. As the Sergeant on ‘Hill Street Blues’ used to say:

“Let’s be careful out there.”

Conversations From the Road – Writing Practice

Album: The Cars (debut album), released June 6, 1978

I chose today’s album because it’s a really great album and there were no albums released on this day in music history.

Late last year I had what I called a spiral, well, more like a crash-and-burn. I spiraled really bad and hit a big, thick brick wall. Although that hit was painful it did bring considerable insight to me I desperately needed. One of these key insights is that I WANT to write every day. I think saying ‘want’ instead of ‘need’ changed my perception of doing this blog as an off-the-cuff, whatever is on my mind kind of thing and not worrying about what ‘anyone’ or ‘someone’ or some asshole might think about this.

In fact, I have a new comeback to any asshole whoever reaches out to me in the future with some bullshit advice or butt-hurt bullshit:

Here’s a dollar, find someone who cares.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way I want to talk to the writers reading this and say I think you should write as often as you can, and that you should tell yourself you want to write, not that you need to. I think ‘want’ instead of ‘need’ makes writing more appealing and not a grind because let’s face it, life today is all about the grind sometimes and it’s nice to do something because you actually want to and enjoy it. I enjoy blogging every day and I always have. I don’t ‘critique’ myself or read over stuff I’ve written and cringe. What I write here is a story or stream of thoughts about what I’m thinking and feeling. And it’s not something I need to push out of me like a hard turd. Writing is not a grind, or a hard turd, or anything negative to me and I’m not going to buy into any line of bullshit that says it should be.

Yes, there are times when I’ll have trouble writing stuff down and times when I need to cut and paste and rewrite pages of stuff because I went in the wrong direction. But if you don’t have the words to begin with, you can’t do that at all. And writing is about getting the words out, not perfection or any bullshit like that. Now this can feel like work and yes, even a grind. I didn’t say the writing life was perfect because nothing is. But I will say don’t take a perfectionist approach to it like you shouldn’t take a perfectionist approach to life in general.

I love writing-culture and the people in it, but boy is there a considerable amount of crap that goes along with it. Because for some whacked-out reason I’ve never been able to figure out, writing attracts people who think they are God’s gift to creation and know everything and the price of it, and people who think they have to be neurotic twenty-four-seven in order to write.

First, there are no rules with writing despite what some people will tell you. Yes, there are rules about spelling, punctuation, and grammar but the punctuation and grammar ones sometimes are subject to interpretation as my grammar-checker finds out multiple times on a daily basis with me. But in order to learn how to bend rules or ignore the grammar-checker you got to put the words down and make them flow and not sound like a really bad mixtape.

So yes, I will tell a prospective writer to try and write every day if they can. Now I know life can get in the way, but don’t let anxiety and other neurotic bullshit get in the way, and most of all, don’t listen to some butt-hurt asshole who thinks they can make demands on your time and energy when they can get off their lazy asses and do things for themselves. Not having to deal with people making demands on me they had no business doing at all has been a blessing I haven’t really appreciated until now. And if someone reading this gets butt-hurt by that statement, give them a dollar and tell them to find someone who cares.

If you’ve lived on this planet for more than a couple of decades you know there are no guarantees in life and of course, that applies to writing, too. It applies to writing because there’s no guarantee any piece of writing is going to work out the way you want it to, or make money, or even get you laid (though God knows I’ve never thought about that last one- must be a guy thing). But you won’t know if any of that is possible unless you put the words down and keep putting them down, then cutting and pasting them to Hell and back.

One way I think I’ve found that will help this is putting on an album them typing my ass off so I can finish this piece before the album finishes. And The Cars debut album is only thirty-five minutes long (unlike Green Day’s album yesterday which was about twice that in length but then I needed that length in order to edit out some of the profanity I spewed out).

Put an album on, put your fingers on the keyboard, crank up the volume, and most of all, write your ass off.

Conversations From the Road – Advice (not resolutions) For 2024

Album I’m listening to as I write this: Permanent Waves by Rush (it was released on January 1, 1980)

So this means the first song I’ve played for 2024 is ‘Spirit of Radio’ so I figure I’m starting my year off on a good vibe. I have decided that I am going to put on an album when I sit down to do this blog entry.

Now that means I’m on track two now, “Free Will”. And I think this dovetails perfectly into the first piece of advice I want to give myself and readers here:

Don’t let assholes and their asshole-voices take up residence inside your head. Evict those useless freeloading bastards if they come in and sit on your couch.

I say this because I know you can’t avoid these voices but I think this is the reason people feel like they can’t be happy. I know back in my shit-decade, aka my twenties, I felt like there were people in my life who did not want to be happy. There were people back then who actually gave me shit when I showed any kind of happiness in front of them. I’m sure some of you reading this might think these people were just being stupid and emotionally immature but that doesn’t excuse that kind of cruel bullshit. If you’re pissed off that someone is happy when you’re not, keep your mouth shut.

But I’m wondering if this is why people feel like they can’t be happy, or find ways to be happy even if it’s for the length of a song or an album.

Case in point: last night in the car I had two guys talking and both said repeatedly they weren’t happy even if one of them said the other was happy. Now these two had obviously been drinking as the conversation did go around in circles but sometimes alcohol brings out the truth in people. These two were saying on one hand they didn’t want to advance in their careers (they were in the Army- enlisted) because they were happy with where they were at. I can understand with not wanting to be ambitious and climb the ladder but it has gotten me thinking about something I’ve thought about before:

What if it’s not a fear of failure that keeps people back, but a fear of success, of being happy? What if people are holding themselves back simply because they fear getting shit from people for being happy?

In reply to those questions I will post yet again the best piece of advice I saw in 2023:

People can handle being disappointed. (courtesy of Dr. Nicole LePera)

Now I know you can’t be happy twenty-four-seven because that’s not how life works. But you can take a break from it when you get the opportunity. And yes, that might piss off some stupid, emotionally-immature asshole. Trust me, they can handle being pissed off and you can shut that voice down in your head with some good music.

So I think the first piece of advice I’d like to give for 2024 is this:

Take a break from feeling like shit with whatever makes you happy- music, movies, tv, hobbies, sleep, etc. And if there is someone in your life who has a problem with that, tell them to ‘fuck off’ and walk away from their butt-hurt.

This morning on Twitter I read a Reddit post from a lady wondering what she should do with her asshole-fiancé. She was in her forties and a successful business owner who had taken about six years to get her degrees because she didn’t want to take on debt and was working full-time, too. Yet her asshole-fiancé talked down to her around family, friends, and in social situations. Needles to say, everyone replied telling her to dump this loser, which she did. But then he had the gall to ask for financial compensation for his ‘advice’ he’d given her for her business. She gave him a single dollar-bill and told him to piss off. So I came up with this in my Twitter reply:

Theres an old country song called “Here’s a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares”. Hers could be called, “Here’s a Dollar, Find Someone Who Cares.”

More people care about you than you may realize. Listen to them, and be good to them. And to people who don’t care? Give them a dollar and walk away.

Rock on, listen to music, and by the way, ‘Permanent Waves’ is a brilliant album from Rush. If you’re not a Rush fan, you can start with this album or the one that came after it, my personal favorite, ‘Moving Pictures’.