No one has all the answers.
No one knows what the future will be.
No one knows what they’re doing all the time.
Yet all my life I’ve had people act like this to me, and in turn beat me down into submission because I see through that. I’ve had so many people come at me like this with ‘good intentions’, people who felt it was their responsibility to stop me from doing things because I might fail, or fall on my ass in humiliation.
And because I was vulnerable and wanted to please people, I internalized this from an early age to myself as I didn’t know what the hell I was doing and never would, but that everyone else did. Then I backed down and went silent to keep people from doing this to me at all.
That’s not a way to live and it’s hell to break free from. There’s so much more to life than just a nine-to-five grind with some off-time in between. And most of all, most of the loud-mouth, well-intentioned people in this world don’t give a damn about anyone but themselves. Worst of all, those kinds of people spend most of their lives talking out of their asses.
The good thing about realizing all this and letting it sink in and undo that internalization is that when I sit down to do something or even just look into something, I don’t have to put up with someone coming at me going, “Are you sure?”, or “Have you really thought this through?”, or worst of all, “Do you really know what you’re doing?”
Here are my answers to those questions:
“Are you sure?” – Why wouldn’t I be? Do you think I’m just doing this on some kind of whim? If so, piss off. All my life I’ve been treated like an immature idiot when I have barely done anything that could be seen as immature and foolish. Heaven forbid if I had done really stupid shit like get drunk and fucked up or something like that. (yes, it’s true I’ve never gotten drunk and fucked up in my life- I never wanted the hangover and I also didn’t want to deal with the shit-storm I’m sure would have come down with that.)
“Have you really thought this through?” – More than you have. I can do research on something till I get to the tenth page on a Google search. I can think things through so much that I can talk myself out of doing them. But I have the knowledge and unless you have information that can help me make an informed decision, shut the fuck up.
“Do you really know what you’re doing?” – Do you? I’ve been tossed into the deep end so many times I expect it. I’ve been handed things so many times and just been told to figure it out like I’m some genius (which I’m not). I think fast and am pretty good figuring stuff out and maybe that’s seen as an ego-trip or some bullshit like that but it’s not.
I think these questions hold people back more than anything. Don’t question or try to figure out the motive of the person asking them. Don’t waste your time on their bullshit. For so long, I felt like I had to justify my entire freaking existence and how I lived my life. So to keep from having to deal with that bullshit, I went silent just to stop as much of it as I could.
Not anymore. This past year should have proven to anyone that there is no such thing as a sure thing. Don’t buy into a cult of personality and bullshit saying otherwise.
Over the last few days, I’ve had to do hurry-up-and-wait for a couple of reasons: I have limited options, and I have limited financial means. I need to be careful in what I do and how I do it. And I have that freaking right to, as I tell myself now. And I also have the right to take that wait time and do other things with it.
So the best answer to any question like the ones I posted here are simply this:
I believe in myself.