Where in the world did the month of May go? It seems like time is flying now and I can’t figure out why. We’ve got wonky weather here in San Antonio (crazy-ass storm last night with blowing rain that knocked out power for me for about three hours- a power outage I slept through), people itching for summer to get started but every time it rains it drops temperatures to late Spring. But everything is lush and green here though my allergies sure do hate it when people mow the grass.
I’ve been on the road a lot this week and have seen on average at least two accidents a day, construction that pops up without notice, traffic jams for no other reason than people don’t know how to merge or where they’re going, and worst of all texting while driving. That last one I hate the most because who in the hell thinks they can do that shit behind the wheel? Newsflash to those morons: you can’t.
As a round-up of Uber, here are my bits from the week:
Standard questions every day:
How long have I been driving for Uber? Four years.
Do I like it? Yes then I talk about flexibility and such. In reality I really want to say: “Uh yeah, or I wouldn’t be doing it.”
Longest trip? Three hours from northeast San Antonio to about ten miles south of Waco- trip would have been three and a half hours if not for the toll road around Austin.
Biggest tip? Current record is still $100 after I took a guy to Austin’s airport from San Antonio’s airport because he’d originally flown out of there and his truck was there- he was incredibly generous even if he felt sorry for me.
Questions I don’t get asked so I’ll ask and answer them here:
Most indecent proposal I’ve gotten? Not many to begin with but the worst was the guy sitting in the front passenger seat who asked if he could masturbate in the car. Not only did I tell him ‘no’, I also asked him several times why he wanted to do that in the first place and the creep couldn’t answer that one. He was damn lucky we were close to his destination because if not I would have pulled over and dumped him out somewhere.
Most disgusting drunk passenger? Two-way tie between guy in the front passenger seat (I’ve pretty much banned front-seat passengers unless I have a fourth passenger because of this shit) who was drunk as hell and kept putting his hands on me. I flipped out and told him if did that one more time I’d stop and dump him out somewhere then call the cops and have him busted for assault. After that he shut the hell up and kept his hands to himself. Second one was this drunk asshole with two other dudes who talked a bunch of shit about himself (and proudly proclaimed he was a Trump supporter) who then wouldn’t get out of my car when we reached the destination. He asked me if I would date him and I told him ‘no’ and to get out of my car. This is why I quit driving in the evenings because drunk people are not funny- they’re disgusting as shit for the most part.
Best carpool karaoke? Two-way tie between the guy I picked up one Sunday afternoon who had a few but just wanted to sing along in the car. First song was by ELO (Electric Light Orchestra) then ‘I Touch Myself’ by The Divinyls started up and I went with an enormous self-confidence I never have: “Oh, I’ve got this.” And I proceed to get down to that song and after we pull up to his place he sits with me till the mid-point of the song when he goes, “Oh crap!” and slaps something into my hand before he dashed out of my car. He put $20 in my hand on a $5 far (we weren’t going far). Then I picked up four guys one afternoon and they’d had a few but were really friendly and polite. Guy up front with me hooked his cell phone into my car radio and we sang along to country, classic rock, and even rapped along to Snoop Dog. In between songs, the guys told stories of their wild and misspent youth that had me laughing. Then we got to their destination hey invited me in for a beer but I declined since I had to keep working. Then one guy went, “Alright, let’s give this nice lady a big tip for putting up with us.” And they did ($20).
Best compliments: Being called the coolest Uber driver by a passenger for talking about something they’ve never talked about with an Uber driver. A couple of months ago it was baseball movies and yesterday it was New Wave/Punk music.
Here’s hoping today is a good day for me and you.