Yesterday, I celebrated along with millions of my fellow Americans the election win of a man who tells us we can turn grief into purpose, and a woman who said there are always possibilities. I’m talking about President-Elect Joseph Biden and Vice-President Elect Kamala Harris. Their words inspire and give me a hope I didn’t realize I’d been searching for the most over the last four years.
Four years ago, I set out to try to use writing to understand why I thought and felt the way I did, and to try to figure out how so many people could embrace the belief that suffering was justified as long as it didn’t affect them in some way. I wrote a lot, most of which never saw the light of day. I went deep inside my own mind and my memories to find the roots of my thoughts and feelings. It was a hard and difficult journey because I battled so much fear that I had lived with for so long.
Until yesterday, I couldn’t write the story of not just the last four years, but of all the years before until I knew what direction this country of ours was going in. Because that direction would determine the course of action I would need to take. I know there is a ton of work to be done now but it’s work for a better world, not more of a battle against greed, hatred, and corruption.
For so long I felt like I had no right to a life of my own, and worst of all, I felt like I had no right to my own thoughts and feelings and the ability to express them and deal with them. I felt genuine fear that I would crumble into nothing if I was told I had nothing to complain about, or talk about, and that I would be forever denied an embrace of comfort.
Now I’m sure some would ask me what have I done to reach out. Not much to be honest. But my main reason for that is fear of rejection, fear that I was truly not wanted at all, and that no matter what I did if I made one human mistake it would all be for nothing. I felt like I was not worthy of being myself, and that I had no ability to be there for someone else.
My greatest prayer now is that I will be given an opportunity some day to be there for someone in need. And that I will find someone who will embrace me, who will tell me I am worthy of friendship, and love. That I will find someone who will tell me it’s okay to feel whatever I feel, to think whatever I think, and that I don’t have to be alone anymore.
But for now, I will focus on my words. Words have been a part of me since I can remember as they’ve always been in my head and all around me. When I was ten years old, I discovered I could capture some of those words onto paper like other people had, and that I could create these marvelous things called stories and share them like others had done before.
So that’s what I’m doing now, sharing my stories both fiction and non-fiction. This blog will become my version of Morning Pages, of what I will use to corral the words that come to my mind as soon as I wake up every morning.
And in time, other stories will come. I haven’t been able to write in earnest because I needed one event to be determined and yes that event was what happened yesterday when this Election was called.
I don’t know exactly what the future will bring but then no one does, even those people who say they do know. No one knows what the day will bring and I can tell you right now sometimes it can be wonderful, and sometimes it can be hard as hell. More often than not, it can be a grind. But as my late father was quite fond of telling me: don’t the bastards grind you down.
What today has brought me so far is after six straight hours of sleep that I haven’t gotten in a very long time is clarity, and hopefully an end to the anxiety loops that have torn through my mind for far too long. This morning I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest and that I can truly breathe again like so many people said yesterday. I shed tears of joy yesterday, and yes I shed a few tears of grief, too. And I’ll let those tears come when they want to. I’ll let my thoughts of happiness and joy, and of pain and grief come to me when they want to also. And I will always say to everyone:
You have every right to your thoughts and feelings, good, bad, ugly, or anything in between. And you have every right to deal with your thoughts and feelings in whatever way you choose to.
So let the day begin now.