Mad World and Comfortably Numb

As you can imagine, I listen to a lot of music in the car and with satellite radio my musical choices are much more diverse. And right now, I would say two songs really capture the mood of the world right now.

First up is ‘Mad World’ by Tears for Fears. Written and recorded in 1982 it’s really timely though a bit quaint considering the big fear back in the early 1980’s was nuclear war and total Armageddon. There was so much talk about just blowing everything up and if so, why live in the first place. Today it’s let a virus run rampant then let someone else clean up the mess but not too much so stock portfolios stay fat and happy.

Second up is ‘Comfortably Numb’ by Pink Floyd. Written and recorded in 1979 for Pink Floyd’s album ‘The Wall’, it’s about a rock star numbing himself out from the pressures of fame and just total overload. This song was voted Number One on the Classic Rewind Channel’s Top 500 songs of the Cassette Era by listeners.

I think of the contrasts of both of these songs and not just in titles. ‘Mad World’ would give an image of people running around screaming their heads off then just plopping down on the ground and saying to hell with it. ‘Comfortably Numb’ would just be people sitting in their houses numbed out to the world. I can see both songs as perfectly normal responses to the nutso world we live in right now. I will just say ‘Comfortably Numb’ is best listened to when you’re higher than a kite on good pot.

But I’m going to get defiant and go a bit punk-rock here: no one should have to live in a mad world and get comfortably numb to deal with it. There is NO need to hang the threat of nuclear Armageddon or plague over the world simply because you can and it benefits your stock portfolio. And there is NO need for people to numb themselves out to deal with people’s bullshit that shouldn’t exist in the first place. We need to stop rewarding and tolerating people in positions of power and influence who are not fit for the job. And people need to pull their heads out of their asses and start giving a damn about their fellow human beings, even if they’re poor and don’t have the same color skin as you do.

Over the many years of my life I have heard the really dumb-ass argument that things shouldn’t be dull, boring, or predictable. Not everything should be that way of course though trying telling that to these dumb-asses. But things should work well and problems should be solved with a one-and-done attitude.

Over the many years of my life, I have felt like the assholes of this world would love to just take a shit on me because I care about doing things right and making things work for people. For example, when I worked the phones I took the time to listen to people and try and solve their problems in one phone call. I took ownership as we used to say and a lot of my fellow co-workers did, too. Yet the dumb-asses that we all worked with who wanted their hands held got the most attention and tried to make the lives of me and my co-workers a living hell. I’m sick and tired of people like that- people who are either stupid or just flat-out mean and cruel and don’t give a shit. Tolerance doesn’t extend to people who sure as hell don’t treat you and other people well.

Maybe someone reading this will try to write this off as the rantings of a middle-aged bitch. No, I’m not ranting. I’m telling the damn truth and calling out bullshit and incompetence. And I’ve been so damn reluctant to do this because I was afraid that bullshit-incompetent assholes had power over me. They don’t and that’s because I’m not giving it to them. I’m taking it away even though they probably didn’t know they had it in the first place.

If you think that boredom and predictability are bad, take up bungee jumping or skydiving. Don’t bitch and moan about things going well and working day in and day out. I would climb Mount Everest if I thought it would give me a life where a lot of shit didn’t happen because of some asshole-morons who can’t think their way out of a paper bag. Most of all, I’m tired of that kind of behavior being rewarded. Dumb-ass behavior fucks things up and leaves a mess for other people to clean up.

I want to live in a world where songs like ‘Mad World’ and ‘Comfortably Numb’ are just songs you can trip out to and enjoy and not use as a coping mechanism. Coping skills aren’t positive traits. They’re survival skills that just keep you going but will eventually wear you down because coping doesn’t solve problems. Action solves problems and giving a shit solves problems. And yes, that might piss off some asshole. And to that I say: Good. It’s about damn time the dumb-asses of this world get called out on their shit.

Describing My Anxiety


I wrote this after several days of not being able to write at all. I had a financial issue I needed to sort out along with trying to deal with the news the rising covid-19 infection rates and I just had to keep myself from going into a overload-meltdown. Understanding something isn’t a cure for a problem but for me it brought my anxiety under control enough for me to focus and get through it.

Describing My Anxiety

I have lived with anxiety all my life and I would describe it like my mind is constantly running at a hundred to two-hundred miles an hour. It’s a constant run of thoughts, feelings, simulations, potential scenarios, and a jumble of facts, figures, movie quotes, song lyrics, and my imagination. For me, this heightened brain activity gives me a sensitivity to the world around me. I’m constantly taking in information and thinking my way through it all. It’s why I love routine and order amid the mostly-chaotic nature of my mind because routines can bring about a bit of calm to the never-ending race.

Now anxiety is seen as a burden these days, and a disability, too. But I am going to adopt the philosophy of the young Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg who has called her diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome (a form of autism) a superpower. She says her diagnosis gives her a clarity and an ability to see beyond the surface of things in this world. I love the fact that it gives her zero tolerance for bullshit.

I like routines and when my routines get knocked out of whack my mind hits the ‘panic’ button and begins to race like mad. I have tremendous difficulty concentrating on anything and worst of all, a lot of old voices come alive inside my head telling me all sorts of all awful crap.

I’ve been wondering why those old voices have echoed in my head for so long and yesterday morning I had a thought: what if my anxiety was taken advantage of both consciously and unconsciously?

Let me start my answer by saying my anxiety has made me severely adverse to conflict and at the same time it’s also made me a real people-pleaser. This is because any heavy emotion or stimulus can overwhelm me and early on in life I learned if people didn’t come at me hard and were happy with me then I wouldn’t have to deal with that stimulus overload. The problem with this is that people who aren’t sensitive to stimulus can sense others who are and take advantage of it.

Unconsciously people may take advantage of anxiety when they feel a person who is different from them needs to be put into a certain place and stay there in silence. This is done with the best of intentions because they feel it would be best if a ‘sensitive’ person was protected from the harshness of the world. This of course is total fucking bullshit because putting someone into a cage just to keep them from experiencing life itself is wrong. Sensitive people are not weak in any way, shape, or form. I know I’m sure as hell not that weak.

Consciously is when people take advantage of an anxious conflict-adverse people-pleaser to get them to do what they want and to hell with that other person’s feelings. These people will shame, guilt-trip, and gaslight a sensitive-anxious person into doing what they want them to do and to serve them above all others. And if the sensitive-anxious person says no then the threat of the shit hitting the fan is rolled out hard.

So what do you do about this kind of shit?

Establish boundaries and don’t take shit from people. People can mouth off and say and do whatever they want but I’ve learned I don’t have to listen to it, or worse, believe their lies and bullshit. I don’t have to let anyone put me down as overly-sensitive or be told I’m weak and need to be protected.

I believe you don’t really need to announce your boundaries but just put them up and keep them there. Now the only problem with these boundaries is they can create a wall that hides anxiety and sensitivity. And when that wall comes down then it can be seen as pride coming down. That’s not true in any way, shape, or form. Sensitive-anxious people don’t let pride keep them silent. It’s fear of getting shit on that keeps them silent. If you don’t want to help someone, just come out and say that then walk away. Don’t place terms and conditions on help, especially to a sensitive-anxious person because they can take that really hard. That’s where a lot of echoes as I call them come from now.

There’s nothing wrong with having a mind that runs faster than normal or to be more sensitive to the world around you than most people. And most of all, there’s no need to hide your thoughts and feelings from the world just because someone has been an asshole in response to that.

In all likelihood, my mind won’t shut down until the very end of my life. Until then, I just get to ride the racetrack inside my head at high speed. But I’m the driver of the car there, not anyone else.

Change Is Scary, Hit the Road Instead

The thought ‘change is scary’ came to me this morning as I laid in bed in the dark of the morning. My first reply to it though was, “Nah, really?” I would love to do an Instagram-influencer worthy post of positivity but I that’s not going to happen.

As we come to the end of this year and into the dark of the winter, I’m sure people are looking to put some sort of label on this year other than ‘DANGER!’. I think my label would be the Year of Change. But I don’t think there is a single person out in this world who didn’t experience some form of change that just well and truly sucked.

The question here then is this: how do we deal with this change?

I can think of several ways, such as a big middle finger in the air followed by nothing but the taillights, a muttered ‘same old shit’ as I go along with the changes even though they suck or have a shitty origin story, or just let out a deep breath and say ‘what the fuck’.

As I was driving around yesterday listening to 80’s New Wave and alternative, all I could think was that even though the music was great back then, it was also an escape from the shit-show that was always happening, too. The difference between then and now is that back then we weren’t bringing out the dead, Republican conservative assholes were still mostly harmless, and the real fear was some jackass in the White House or the Kremlin was going to push the big red button and blow us all to Hell.

So how did we deal with it back then? Is there something that can be learned?

I think we dealt with it back then by knowing it was going to happen. I always felt like we knew things were going to crater and bottom out sooner or later. We’d get through school but not really know what we wanted to do after that. We turned inward a lot, especially my generation because we were pretty self-sufficient to begin with.

That self-sufficiency makes you adaptable to a rolling shit-show in a lot of ways but it can grind you down from time to time, too. And I think that’s what I’m fighting against along with a lot of other people. I think a lot of people these days are fed up with bullshit that they’re beginning to realize they hadn’t been a hollow threat by people who said they knew what they were doing. They’re realizing that the assholes of this world didn’t know what the fuck they were doing even though they had the power to shit-can jobs and run off with the money. But what the assholes of this world didn’t realize was how resilient people are, even when they’re dead-dog fucking tired and hurting like Hell. It’s why I feel like there’s a shift in people that will hopefully stay that way after this pandemic is in decline.

It’s this resiliency that gives me strength. I tell myself I’ve been pulling rabbits out of my ass for a long time to keep my own shit afloat and I can do it again. There may be slow-money days on the road but I also know that can change, too. Heck, if you want an unpredictable job do what I do for a living (Uber driving). It wasn’t as unpredictable before this pandemic began but now it’s even more so. But it’s a job that can reward resiliency and tenacity.

Because despite my shitty mood today, I still feel a need to kick some ass. Or at least let the words flow here and do the things I need to do today. Will my day be perfect? Hell no. Perfect days are very few and far between as are moments of clarity where everything comes together in one perfect moment of sight and sound. Both thoughts are okay to have because as long as the music is out there, the road will open up.

There’s a line from a song I love that’s been going through my head for the last few days and I think it’s more than true than ever:

As the road opens up in front of my eyes

The only limitation is in my mind

“The Road” By The Alarm (songwriters Harry Macdonald and Jack Mc Allister)

So if you think change is scary that’s okay. If you want to shut out the asshole-voices in this world who will try to put you down for making changes in your life, or will cheer you as changes put you on your ass, block them out with those lines I just quoted above. It’s not bullshit to say the only limitations are in your mind. It’s the truth of life itself.

Let the Day Begin

Yesterday, I celebrated along with millions of my fellow Americans the election win of a man who tells us we can turn grief into purpose, and a woman who said there are always possibilities. I’m talking about President-Elect Joseph Biden and Vice-President Elect Kamala Harris. Their words inspire and give me a hope I didn’t realize I’d been searching for the most over the last four years.

Four years ago, I set out to try to use writing to understand why I thought and felt the way I did, and to try to figure out how so many people could embrace the belief that suffering was justified as long as it didn’t affect them in some way. I wrote a lot, most of which never saw the light of day. I went deep inside my own mind and my memories to find the roots of my thoughts and feelings. It was a hard and difficult journey because I battled so much fear that I had lived with for so long.

Until yesterday, I couldn’t write the story of not just the last four years, but of all the years before until I knew what direction this country of ours was going in. Because that direction would determine the course of action I would need to take. I know there is a ton of work to be done now but it’s work for a better world, not more of a battle against greed, hatred, and corruption.

For so long I felt like I had no right to a life of my own, and worst of all, I felt like I had no right to my own thoughts and feelings and the ability to express them and deal with them. I felt genuine fear that I would crumble into nothing if I was told I had nothing to complain about, or talk about, and that I would be forever denied an embrace of comfort.

Now I’m sure some would ask me what have I done to reach out. Not much to be honest. But my main reason for that is fear of rejection, fear that I was truly not wanted at all, and that no matter what I did if I made one human mistake it would all be for nothing. I felt like I was not worthy of being myself, and that I had no ability to be there for someone else.

My greatest prayer now is that I will be given an opportunity some day to be there for someone in need. And that I will find someone who will embrace me, who will tell me I am worthy of friendship, and love. That I will find someone who will tell me it’s okay to feel whatever I feel, to think whatever I think, and that I don’t have to be alone anymore.

But for now, I will focus on my words. Words have been a part of me since I can remember as they’ve always been in my head and all around me. When I was ten years old, I discovered I could capture some of those words onto paper like other people had, and that I could create these marvelous things called stories and share them like others had done before.

So that’s what I’m doing now, sharing my stories both fiction and non-fiction. This blog will become my version of Morning Pages, of what I will use to corral the words that come to my mind as soon as I wake up every morning.

And in time, other stories will come. I haven’t been able to write in earnest because I needed one event to be determined and yes that event was what happened yesterday when this Election was called.

I don’t know exactly what the future will bring but then no one does, even those people who say they do know. No one knows what the day will bring and I can tell you right now sometimes it can be wonderful, and sometimes it can be hard as hell. More often than not, it can be a grind. But as my late father was quite fond of telling me: don’t the bastards grind you down.

What today has brought me so far is after six straight hours of sleep that I haven’t gotten in a very long time is clarity, and hopefully an end to the anxiety loops that have torn through my mind for far too long. This morning I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest and that I can truly breathe again like so many people said yesterday. I shed tears of joy yesterday, and yes I shed a few tears of grief, too. And I’ll let those tears come when they want to. I’ll let my thoughts of happiness and joy, and of pain and grief come to me when they want to also. And I will always say to everyone:

You have every right to your thoughts and feelings, good, bad, ugly, or anything in between. And you have every right to deal with your thoughts and feelings in whatever way you choose to.

So let the day begin now.

What It’s Like to Live Without Hope (even When You Still Feel it)

This is the first time I’ve really thought and written about something like this before. When I’ve talked about Hope it’s always been in the best possible way but today I’m going to show you another side of it.

I’ve always said up until now that no matter how bad things got, I always had hope for the better. But two times in my life, I didn’t have that feeling because all the hope and prayer and positive thoughts weren’t going to stop what was happening right before my eyes.

The last seven years of my mother’s life were just a matter of when she would die. It was a soul-deep certainty her, my father, and I knew from the day she was diagnosed yet it wasn’t something the three of us talked about. In those seven years, she was in remission for less than eighteen months. And even as the cancer kept coming back despite repeated blasts of radiation and chemotherapy, I saw her get up every day she could and go to work when she was sick and tired as hell. But on Saturday and Sunday, I’d get up with her and hang out with her on our back patio while she worked with her plants. That brought her some joy and happiness, yet as I look back on that, I felt like we had to guard it from most everyone else.

Why would I have to guard against these moments of happiness?

Because my mother heard so much that she had to be strong, brave, and think positive thoughts. But what that really means to someone is that they can’t feel their entire range of emotions both good and bad. It means that simple moments of joy could be seen as denial of the battle that has to be fought every moment of every day. Cancer isn’t a battle. It’s a disease that slowly kills a lot of people. So to try and dictate someone’s feelings about that reality is hell to live with. The worst part of that is not having hope for remission and recovery, and that every moment feels like it’s a stolen one and not meant to be cherished forever.

After my mother died and when my father moved out to the lake and I took the car (we only had one car between us), I used to go out to see him once a week to do his shopping and stuff. But I didn’t just hit-and-bounce. We took a lot of drives, sat by the dam, or I just sat and listened to him talk. We both knew he wasn’t going to get better, that his health was slowly deteriorating. And yes, there were times he told me I didn’t have to stick around and listen to the ramblings of a dying old man as he put it. I told him I did because he was saying things I needed to hear, and that one day I would become to keeper of his stories. And like before with my mother, the only hope I had was that after he was gone I would learn to live my life to the fullest. That didn’t happen then but that’s what I’m working on now.

Because I do have hope that my life will get better. I’m not sick and dying like they were all those years ago. And most of all, I don’t have to put up with anyone’s fucking shit like I did back then in a totally-wrong idea of keeping the peace.

I know how hard reality can bite you in the ass but I will say this here: if you are not dealing with death, dying, pain, and misery, you have hope for a better life. And not just for yourself, but for other people, especially people who have been hurt, oppressed, or forced to live in fear. Hope gives you the ability to be compassionate and empathetic to others. Hope gives you the ability to reject hatred, to reject fear-mongering, disinformation, and to stop the fucking spin and gaslighting. Hope keeps you going not just in the short-term, but in the long run.

When you have the ability to help others individually, or as part of something bigger like voting, that is hope in action. I’m one of millions of people who damn good and well know you can’t save everyone, but you don’t give up on saving the people you can.

Most of all, no one as the right to tell anyone how to think and feel, and that they have no right to feel happiness and joy despite pain and misery. No one should ever have to feel like their feelings of hope, joy, and happiness are wrong. And to anyone who has ever mouthed off at someone and told them not to be happy or sad, go to Hell. If you can’t handle someone’s hope, joy, happiness, or pain and grief, walk away and stay away. And to anyone who’s ever had to endure that fucking shit, know that you have every right to your feelings no matter what they are. Guard your hope like a fifty-foot dragon and breath fire if you have to. And never forget what it’s like to live without hope.

Forward March

As I write this, the sun is just coming up over the horizon. My coffee is brewing, my pets are having breakfast, and I’m wide-awake and writing this. I did the doom-scroll on my phone and saw the President acting like the tin-pot dictator that he wants to be. And I saw that it looks like the Senate won’t flip. I know there are many more votes to be counted but my hope isn’t being dashed in a dramatic sweep like 2000 or into a shell-shocked silence like 2016.

No, after all the anger burned off last night followed by a few moments of grief and loss, I packed it in and went to bed. Because I knew the next day was coming like it always does. I was always told that from as far back as I can remember and now having taking forty-six trips around the sun each with three-hundred and sixty-five days and an extra day every four years I can say this: the sun does come up and the world keeps turning.

Four years ago, just around the time of another Presidential Election, I began a journey that would change my life. It was a journey started by asking myself one simple question: why do I think and feel the way I do? My plan then was to use writing to figure that out. I wrote a lot of stuff that never saw the light of day but that’s just fine. Writing can be a form of therapy and using it work things out on paper is a good thing. After four years, I reached what I call the ‘Recovery’ stage. This is where I could see where I’ve been, and where I needed to go. But now I will move to the next stage: Forward.

As I turned out the lights and crawled under the covers, I realized how and truly alone I am in this world, and that no one is coming to save me. But instead of that thought making me want to curl up and fight like hell not to cry, I felt calm. My mind slowed down to one thought: I know what to do now.

Forward, onward. Up with the dawn, hands on the keyboard, make sure to eat, earn money, and make things happen for me. Yes, it’s a shit-show out there at times but I ask myself here: when hasn’t it been a shit-show of some kind?

In the past few months, I’ve begun to get a hold on my writing projects. In the last few weeks, that hold has been beginning to firm. Now it’s starting to lock on. And that is because whenever I hear some naysaying-negative asshole voice in my head I know now it’s just an echo from the past. That echo doesn’t control me anymore, and I don’t back away in fear from it. I tell myself if someone ever does come at me that I’m ready to stand and face them. I have finally begun to truly understand and accept that I have the strength to stand up for myself when I haven’t done anything wrong.

Two days ago, I published a piece ‘When It Feels Like Hate’. It was a thought that has taken me four years to put into words and trust me, it wasn’t easy to write. I know it’s a good piece but there was a nagging thought it was also pretty hard to read. But as I woke up this morning to the electoral shit-show, I told myself I was totally right in what I said. I have taken a stand on that piece and drawn a line in the sand in front of me like Colonel Travis did at the Alamo all those years ago. And like those brave defenders at the Alamo, including the women who made a hard run to get help, I won’t give up. And I won’t stop writing. Because if I feel fear want to ramp up inside me because of old feelings like feeling like a worthless sack of shit just for being who I am, I’m not going to let that happen. I will fight like those men under Colonel Travis did, and like those women did across Texas (read the book ‘True Women’ for a vivid account of those women who trekked hard across the cold hard ground of East Texas to reach Sam Houston).

To anyone reading this, move forward. One step at a time, no matter how hard it feels to do so. Keep moving away from the voices and echoes that will hold you back if you let them. Move past the voices and echoes that come before you. Remember, you are so much stronger than you will ever know. And that although silence can be crushing at times, you can break it in your own way.

And a final thought on the Election: what we’re seeing on a national scale here is dysfunction that’s been there all along. For as Maya Angelou said so well, “When people show you what they’re like, believe them.” And as my mother used to say, “People like that very rarely, if ever, change.”

When you move forward, you change for the better. You bring the light. Whether it’s moving forward despite the national shit-show, or moving forward despite assholes behind you saying you can’t, keep moving.

From therapy, to recovery, and now, forward. Or as the Chicks sing so well now, “March, march to my own drum/ Hey hey I’m an army of one” (Songwriters: Dan Wilson / Emily Strayer / Ian Kirkpatrick / Jack Antonoff / Martie Maguire / Natalie Maines / Ross Golan)

The Lack of Joy In Writing

Writing doesn’t bring me a lot of joy these days. There is no joy in me when I write about pain, suffering, and cruelty. I don’t get any joy from writing things that are painful and true.

So why do I write like this?

Because I have to is the first thought that comes to my mind. Because for me, not writing about what’s eating at me and occupying so much of my mental and emotional energy is like leaving an open wound to fester and grow infected. I used to try and bury stuff like this but I can’t do that anymore.

When I first started writing back in the era of MTV and leg-warmers, I did feel joy at putting words onto the page. I loved the feeling of those words pouring out of me, of being able to escape into my imaginary worlds. But as the MTV-and-leg-warmers era began to wane into Total Request Live and boy-bands, I wanted to do more with my writing. And that dear readers, is when writing started to get hard, and a lot of joy got lost that still hasn’t been found.

It was okay for me to piddle about writing fiction but wanting to write about political and social issues, or just any type of non-fiction writing… well I’d been told I couldn’t talk about politics and issues at all because I was an idiot, and that I was only good enough to write non-fiction that was sweet a bit clever. I have since come tor realize all this negative talk was total fucking bullshit. It was just people being loud-mouthed assholes because they knew what I wrote might be different from what they thought and felt and that was a bad thing.

I have never, ever wrote with the intent of using my writing as an axe to grind, win arguments, or prove a point. That’s never been my intent and it never will be. I write to express my thoughts and feelings, to share my observations of the world, and to tell stories both true and not-so-true (fiction). If anyone thinks otherwise, keep reading.

That loss of joy is not a bad thing. What I get in return is a feeling of accomplishment, of knowing I did the work myself and will continue to do so. Now I know with some people in this world who can’t see past the end of their own noses this is not a popular or acceptable feeling. To some people, this is a hard smack of selfishness and ego. It’s selfishness and ego if that’s the intent behind it, meaning writing is done just to deliberately inflict pain onto someone or the world in general. Hate speech and spin-bullshit-lying of right-wing disinformation campaigns is a shitty example of the ego and selfishness of its’ creators. But if that’s not your intent, and it’s sure as hell not my intent, then I reject that accusation of my writing as just an expression of selfish ego.

Did I know my writing life would come to this all those years ago? No. I knew it would be a lot of hard work to learn my craft as I’d been told from day one. What I didn’t know then, and what can only be learned with time and living, is how I could use writing to work through my own emotions, my own experiences, and yes, my pain. I’m not the first writer ever to use writing to sort out my own emotional and mental stuff. But I sure as hell won’t be the last.

This is why I don’t take it very well at all when someone says writing is easy, or worse, that’s it nothing but a public ego-stroke. If you think all these words came out perfectly as I typed them with no need for correction or revision, or that I didn’t think about them all… then you’re wrong because of what I’ve told you about the process here. To readers who make demands on writers to be a certain way or write in just a certain way… well I think Nora Roberts gave the best response to that: “Bite me.”

Now I’m sure someone might ask me, what gives me the right to make demands of my readers to examine their conscience, their thoughts and beliefs? No right, really. But I’m not asking anyone to conform to a certain way of thinking. I’m asking people to think of their own responses to my work as I have thought about mine and put them out there in my writing. It’s been demanded of me as a reader, and as a person and I have examined my conscience, and my thoughts and beliefs and come out a better person from what I’ve learned. I think the only real thing we can do is accept our differences without forcing someone to conform, or trying to diminish them as a person for being different to begin with.

Whenever someone decides to pursue something with all of their energy, whether it be writing, music, auto racing, or any activity really, they will be seen as different by some people. And sadly, some of those people will be complete and total fucking assholes. But as my later father was fond of saying, don’t the let the few assholes in this world ruin things for you. I’ve spent too much time and energy worrying about what some lame-brained ego-centric idiot might think instead of just doing something.

Not anymore.

Writing As a Form of Recovery

Twenty-five years ago, give or take, I read a book called ‘The Artist’s Way’ by Julia Cameron. I loved it because it was all about embracing your creativity and putting your art in a place of importance in your life. But it was also about learning to recover from the pain of having your creativity suppressed by fear.

Twenty-five years later, give or take, I understand that fear very well now.

When I graduated high school I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. My grades sucked, I didn’t take the SAT or ACT tests, and since both my parents were working I probably wouldn’t have qualified for a lot of financial aid so I decided college wasn’t for me. What I wanted to do was focus on my writing, and my parents let me as long as I pulled me weight around the house-which I did.

When I was twenty, my father had his first heart attack followed by a series of injuries that forced him into early retirement. Then right after I turned twenty-one, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. At that time, unknown to anyone until now, I decided to put my own goals and dreams for my writing, and my own life on hold to help take care of my mother. I have no regrets over this decision and never will. But my parents didn’t let me give up on my writing.

More times than I can ever remember, after a long hard day of work, chores, and errands my mother and father would say to me, “We got this.” And they would tell me to go off and write, or read, or get something to eat. In addition to that, they paid my writing group dues for years along with conference and workshop fees. And multiple times my father actually drove me to my writers group meetings because he and my mother were adamant that I needed to get out of the house and do something for myself.

I knew there were people in my life who didn’t support my writing, or me having any kind of life of my own. It wasn’t out-and-out shit to my face for the most part. But when you’re as quiet as I am you see behind the masks people wear, and you hear it in people’s voices, and feel it in their subtle actions that make you feel like you’re doing something wrong even when you’re not. After my mother died, my father told me he and my mother caught a lot of flack for letting me live at home and pursue my writing such as it was back then.

I kept quiet when my mother was alive because I feared both her and my father would turn on me if I spoke out against that flack, and kick me out of the house and out of their lives forever. But after my father told me what he did and that he would always support me and my writing, I wish I had given the proverbial middle finger to all of that flack and rocked my life so much harder. Instead, I retreated and tried to keep to myself as much as I could. I felt like I was not worthy or able to have any kind of a life, and that if I pursued any kind of social life or writing career someone would have tried to destroy me for even thinking about it, much less pursuing it in some way.

This fear impacted me as hard as it did because it came to me at the most vulnerable time in my life all those years ago. When I was dealing with huge waves of emotions at the horror of watching my parents die slowly and painfully. It tore into me all the way to the depths of my soul, a huge bloody talon that has taken me years to remove but left behind a wound and pain that I will never forget.

It has taken me four years to put this wound into words, and deal with it through writing. And it’s harder than hell for me to write this because I can hear voices in my head telling me this is bullshit, and that I’m a complete idiot for saying anything like this, especially in a public way. But the most important thing I’ve learned over the last few years is this: I’m not a bad person. I’m just as fucked up as anyone else and I’ve made mistakes. The biggest mistake I’ve ever made was giving people power over me they never really had, or gave a shit enough about to follow through on.

What has brought my words into the light here now is this: it’s not about me, nor is it about the people who’ve hurt me in the past. It’s for others who have been through things like I have, felt emotions like I’ve had, and are still thinking that people have the power to hurt them. To them I say this: no one has the power to hurt you unless you give it to them. For me, writing and going public with this is taking power away from people that was never theirs to begin with.

I feel like I’m in a stage of recovery now because most of what I write isn’t being trashed as soon as I get it out of me. I still feel fear but I tell myself that fear is just an echo of the past. I tell myself my words will be met mostly with silence. I’m fine with silence because I have lived with it for so long. But I’ve broken it inside myself, and it’s not the shattering I thought it would be. It’s like the rising sun breaking over the horizon.

Breaking the Silence of Creative Oppression

Shortly after I joined my local romance-writers group in the mid 1990’s, I was told very early on not to speak out publicly about any political or social issues. I was told not to do this in order not to alienate readers and publishers. And for close to twenty-five years, I went along with it like so many writers and other creative professionals did.

But now I this: It was never about alienating readers. It was about silencing dissent. It was the language of the Oppressor.

Being told not so speak out or ask questions is not about keeping people from disagreeing with you. It’s about keeping hard questions from being answered, about staying silent about hatred, violence, and injustice. It’s about keeping people from uncovering corruption and bringing the perpetrators to justice. It’s about staying silent and letting people suffer because other people believe suffering is meant to be and that people deserve to suffer.

After the 2016 Presidential Election, there was a severe reckoning in the romance writing community and other creative communities. The reckoning was painful because we had to examine our silence and how much it played into what we have now, the death-and-suffering cult that is trying to kill us all. We had to face the fact that our silence didn’t do anything to stop the tide of hatred and injustice that has swept over our world. We had to face the fact that our joy in our creativity couldn’t hide the pain and suffering in our world. And that our silence gave power to the Oppressors of this world because we had to realize and accept that silence is the language of the Oppressor.

That reckoning from 2016 onward was personal for me, too. It’s been a long and painful road to travel on, especially the time I’ve spent in the cold storage unit of my mind and memories. But it’s a road I’m glad I found the courage to travel on because I’ve found my voice. And I say this to those who wanted to silence me:

I do know what I’m talking about. And I do have a right to speak my mind, share my thoughts and feelings, and to speak out against pain and suffering.

Before Jesus Christ walked the Earth, pain and suffering were seen as the will of God. The world was made up of masters and slaves, rich and poor, and that sin could never be overcome. Then Christ came to Earth and talked of unconditional love even for the most broken of people. He talked of alleviating suffering above all else, healing the sick, comforting the sad, being with the incarcerated, and speaking out against greed and injustice. He was not silent, and I honestly don’t believe he wanted anyone else to be silent either, even his enemies as he offered them his other cheek.

And I know what I just wrote about Jesus Christ will set some hair on fire. But this is what I was told to keep silent about: the truth. Not just the truth of facts and events, but of my own personal thoughts and feelings. Because as I’ve said before, the worst thing I have ever dealt with is feeling like I had NO right to my own thoughts and feelings, and the ability to deal with them and express them.

As a creative person, I will say when you have a need to create and speak like I do, silence is extremely painful. I grew up with silence, silence about not speaking out against the bullying I was subjected to, about the pain and prejudice I witnessed and did nothing about. Most of all, I kept silent even in the most painful of times because I thought that’s what the world wanted of me. Now I see that silence for what it is: the tool of the Oppressor.

One thing I’ve learned over the last four years is that as I break my silence, my world hasn’t come crashing down around me like I used to think it would. I chose that silence and alienation thinking it would protect me from being hurt. It didn’t. What keeps me from being hurt by hateful and oppressive words is knowing that my silence won’t stop that and it never will.

I have made a commitment to myself now every single day: to find my voice and make it strong, and to not let fear and doubt ever silence it again.

Deflating the Detractors and Gaslighters

In yesterday’s blog post I wrote this:

Now I’m sure some lovely detractor will say I shouldn’t be ranting and raving here and burning my bra and all that crap.

Detractors are people who will try and get you off track whenever you start talking about something they don’t want to hear or deal with. They’ll start with deflection by changing the track of the conversation and if that doesn’t work, they’ll try and tear you down. And if that doesn’t work, they’ll gaslight your ass.

Gaslighting is an old term from a play called ‘Gaslight’ which was later made into a movie back in the 1940’s starring Ingrid Bergman as a wife of a rich guy in Victorian England who thought she was going nuts. In reality, her husband was trying to drive her crazy so he could chuck her into an insane asylum and divorce her so he could marry his younger side-piece. In the end, she realizes what he’s doing and she beats him at his own game.

But deflection and detraction are the start of the gaslighting process and it’s hard to fight against it, especially if you’ve dealt with it from your earliest days. You could say it’s a form of bullying and you’d be right on the mark. So what do you do about it?

First, you see for what it is: cruel and nasty behavior. Some people might say it’s an unconscious and that someone just learned that behavior and doesn’t know anything else. I call bullshit on that because if someone is told they’re being a conversational shit-head and refuse to stop being that way, it’s not unconscious.

No one is born with perfect communication skills. We learn how to communicate by doing it and taking in ways other people do it. Problem with that is sometimes people learn the wrong way of doing something then jam their head up their ass instead of taking their head out of their ass and learning how to communicate better and taking responsibility for their words and behavior.

For me, being a good listener means shutting my pie-hole and paying attention to what someone is saying. It means not just listening, but thinking, too. And yes, it’s a battle sometimes to work past biases and emotional responses that act like walls being thrown up in your mind. But you can work to prevent those walls from coming up by seeing them for what they are and keeping them down.

One of the most hurtful things I have ever been told is that I have a shit-ton of pride stuck up my ass. It’s hurtful because I always thought I had to do as much for myself as possible before asking for help. Yes, I tried too hard to be self-sufficient but when people see that as pride and not determination, they’re the ones who are wrong, not me. Now I will freely admit here sometimes I just toughed out and did my own thing because I didn’t want to deal with the bullshit of being made to feel like a moron for asking for help.

Deflection, detraction, and gaslighting are ways people use to either get people to do exactly what they want them to do without giving one tiny shit about what that person might want to do instead, or it’s a way of not wanting to confront personal shortcomings and shitty behavior. Either way, it’s wrong because deflection, detraction, and gaslighting tear at a person’s self-confidence, self-esteem, and beat the absolute shit out of them mentally and emotionally.

One of the hardest things I have had to work through is dealing with those deflecting, detracting, and gaslighting voices in my head. I’ve had to tell myself a million times they’re echoes from the past, past experiences, and my own past thoughts and feelings. Over time, I know echoes fade and the more they fade, the less power they have over you.

Finally, as a writer one of the key things I use in editing my work is making sure I’m not doing that deflecting, detracting, or gaslighting shit in my own work. I try to edit in order to keep myself on track and on topic.

In the end, my advice here is to trust your feelings and your instincts. And if someone is telling you something that you know is not true, or worse trying to get you away from that truth, question and challenge their motives for doing that. Don’t take excuses such as unconscious behavior or good intentions. There’s nothing wrong with thinking for yourself and defining your own values and beliefs.

You can find your own voice amid the deflectors, detractors, and gaslighters. You don’t have to put up a wall of silence to keep them out of your mind. You can walk away if you can, or stand strong and know you can survive the wounds and overcome them.