A few days ago, I sat down to think about what I wanted to do with my writing. The first thing that came to mind was that I wanted to blog every day because I like writing every day. So I began to think of a title for the blog that would stick and the phrase, ‘Nick of Time’ jumped into my mind and has stuck there like Super Glue. It comes from the album by Bonnie Raitt of the same title that she released in 1989, an album I’ve been listening to for the past few days. There’s a particular lyric passage in that song has brought me here today:
When did the choices get so hard
With so much more at stake
Life gets mighty precious
When there’s less of it to waste
(songwriter: Bonnie Raitt, copyright 1989 Kokomo Music)
Coming up with a title that resonated clearly in my mind didn’t solve my problem of why I don’t blog every day, or why I haven’t put in the work on this website-blog that I should have. Coming up with this title made me realize something very painful about myself and my life:
I have never followed through on anything I have truly wanted to do with my life.
Over the next few days, I’ll be blogging in detail about why that was (The Three Fears, as I call them). I thought I’d faced most of my crap but it turns out I’ve got some more work to do. That’s not a bad thing as you can’t work on something if you don’t know what to work on to begin with.
When I set my website-blog up last year my goal was to find ways to get my writing up and running and find ways to monetize it and also find other ways to make money from being creative. That ground to a halt and I’ve been a spluttering mess ever since then.
I know I’ve held back and not followed through for a long time but I’ve never been able to put that into words like I’m doing now. Words are important to me because when I find them, I find clarity even though that clarity can bring a lot of pain. Once I find my words though, I never forget them. Words have power and meaning, very much so to me. In the last five years putting feelings into words has been a big part of my life. Doing that has lifted weights of guilt and shame off of me that shouldn’t have been there in the first place, and it’s helped me remove the talons that were sunk into me over the years by cruelty and thoughtlessness.
Last July I wrote about what I called ‘My Moon Shot’. I talked about how my goal of being a self-supporting writer felt like the Moon Shot. And it still does but I don’t feel as overwhelmed by that now. What I am beginning to understand is how the original Moon Shot worked and how it can apply to me. The original Moon Shot started with getting an astronaut into orbit and back down, then getting two astronauts into orbit and learning how to fly in space, then finally getting three astronauts to the Moon and back.
So I would say I’m at Project Mercury stage, which is getting into the routine of writing every day and figuring out what content I want to produce. The next stage will be creating a routine or schedule to produce that content and fine-tune it. Then the final stage will be to figure out how to monetize it.
In 1961 in a joint address to Congress, President John F. Kennedy said this: “We choose to go to the Moon not because it’s easy, but because it’s hard.”
I’m not going to mince words here and say things are easy when they aren’t. Also, I will freely admit here I don’t have all the answers nor do I know all the challenges I will face. But then no one does, despite the fact more than a few assholes have told me otherwise. My journey to this day began when I realized that everyone was just as full of shit as I was sometimes, but that didn’t make me a bad person either.
In the coming weeks you’ll be seeing changes here on this website-blog. I’m taking them one at a time and I’ll be sharing those with you. Eventually I hope to make some upgrades but those will come in time, too. I’m not a deadline here nor will I let anyone put me on one. My advice to anyone wanting to change their life for the better is this: take it one step at a time. The choices may seem hard but in reality, they aren’t as hard as some people will try and lie to make you doubt yourself and your abilities.
I’m through with wasting what little I have left in my life. And I’m hell-bent and determined not to go silent ever again.