Uber Tales, Inappropriate Behavior Edition

Over my four years of Uber driving, I’ve been asked if I’d had to deal with any ‘inappropriate requests’ or ‘inappropriate behavior’. Sometimes I’ll share one of these experiences and sometimes I won’t depending on my audience. But I thought I’d share some of them here today to show mild they really were, how dumb they really were, and how good I am at not totally losing my shit with passengers like this.

Under the inappropriate requests heading there are two top contenders as the others were just drunken requests for me to go out with a passenger (which I would never do even if they looked like the latest Hollywood hunk).

First up is the front-seat masturbator. It was a busy afternoon and a short ride but I made the mistake of allowing a single male passenger in the front seat. A couple of minutes into the ride he asks if he can masturbate in the car beside me. My first response was, “Excuse me?” but then I followed that with, “Why in the world are you asking to do this?” Well, bozo-masturbator just hemmed and hawed and that pissed me off even more because I kept asking why. Not because I wanted an answer but because I was stuck in traffic and didn’t have a place to toss him out to. Luckily, he clammed up and got out when we reached his destination. I didn’t report him at the time because I didn’t trust Uber to do anything about this bozo though I did give him a three-star rating.

Second was the drunk guy I picked up from a strip club one night. He kept asking me if I’d come inside when he got home and hang out with him. I kept politely telling him no because I won’t hang out with a passenger because I work for a living. Also he said he was married, then he starts hinting that he doesn’t just want to talk because his wife isn’t home. Finally, he tells me he will pay for my time and for my ‘pleasure’. At that I go, “Excuse me?” And boy oh boy did he realize what he’d just done. Yes, he’d just propositioned me for sex. Luckily, he realized right away what he’d done and was apologizing all over himself. I let him squirm for a couple of minutes before I said ‘Apology accepted’ and he got out of my car like his ass was on fire when we reached his destination. He did tip me well so I let it go.

Now my next disgusting ride didn’t involve an indecent proposal. No, it involved a guy I let up in the front seat because he was drunker than shit and I figured if he puked I wouldn’t have as much to clean up. But he was little grabby, reaching out to touch me as I was driving. I finally lost my shit going down the highway and told him if he touched me one more time I was going to find a place to pull over, dump out of my car, then call the cops and have him busted for assault. He shut the fuck up and kept his hands to himself for the rest of the ride. It was the only time I have ever lost my shit like that on a passenger and he probably didn’t remember any of it the next morning.

Needless to say, these situations had me making two changes. One: no solo passengers in the front seat with me male or female (I had a drunk lady get grabby with me but thankfully her friends told her to stop before I could). Thanks to COVID-19, I have been able to enforce that if anyone asks to ride up front and they’re solo with me. Two: I will not work late-night bar pickups anymore.

In a way I’m lucky I’m a fat old hag behind the wheel because inappropriate requests have been few and far between and since COVID-19, pretty much gone. I had one bozo-butt dude talk shit to his buddies in the car then when we reached the destination asked if I’d go on a date with him. I told him no and to please get out of my car. Yes, I have done my dead-level best to wish for shriveled-dick syndrome to strike these guys down hard. There is no reason or justification whatsoever drunk or sober for a guy to be an asshole to a woman, or for a woman to be a bitch to another woman drunk or sober.

I saw someone on Twitter a couple of days ago ask if you hate people so much why work in customer service? I replied people who work in customer service to do so in order to put food on the table and keep a roof over their heads. And that we wouldn’t hate people so much if they were just a little nicer to us. So if you have ever treated a customer service person like shit drunk or sober because you can, I hope you get a really bad case of crotch-itch. And by God if you get drunk, be a happy drunk and not a pissed-off entitled jerk instead.

I hope this past year has made people realize that they can be nicer to other people, especially those in thankless customer service positions. And I hope asshole-drunk dudes and dudettes, and mask-hole/anti-vaxer conspiracy theorists never have enough money to go out and get drunk and dumber than they already are.

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