Confidence is attractive, even if I’m not.
Okay, now that I’ve got your attention let me elaborate on this further.
All of my life I have never had any real confidence in myself or in my abilities. I was told as far back as I can remember that I was smart and clever, and good at figuring things out for myself. But if I expressed what could be termed ‘confidence’ in myself and my abilities… well that’s where the trouble began. For me, I think that trouble came from the fact that when I broke my silence, it didn’t always go well. For as far back as I can remember, my shyness was seen as me being a stuck-up little snot-faced bitch. And being told that right to my face, in high-volume and very colorful language sometimes.
Shy people are not stuck-up. Stuck-up assholes are not shy in any way, shape, or form but in order to try and not be seen this way, they deflect onto people who are shy. As a shy person I can tell you my shyness is mostly based on fear of being hurt, humiliated, and hated. And when assholes deflect their lack of conscience and empathy onto you, it tears at your most vulnerable emotions because you’re not without empathy and conscience. But with empathy and conscience you feel all emotions, good and bad, at a very intense level. This in turn destroys any self-confidence because I believe true self-confidence comes from feeling emotions and choosing to lead your life based on empathy and conscience.
But self-confidence doesn’t mean blind ego, either. It doesn’t mean you get to blind yourself to your flaws, or to shit happening, or in the face of not knowing something. I’ve been looking for balance in my life with this, a balance between being confident in what I do and how I do it while at the same time admitting and accepting my vulnerabilities. Most of all, I want to have this balance and be able to put up a shield against the shit-talking confidence-vampires in this world.
So how am I doing at this?
Well, there’s always room for improvement
Right now, I start with taking a deep breath and get my racing heart and mind under control. I keep breathing deeply until my heart doesn’t feel like it’s pounding and my body doesn’t feel like it’s a tightly-strung set of piano wires. I tell myself ‘I’ve got this’ even if I don’t exactly know how I will get ‘this’. I tell myself no one has all the answers or knows what the future holds, and if they say they do I can call them an asshole in my mind.
Now where I see room for improvement is in being more open emotionally to people. Right now, I give new meaning to the term ‘keeping myself to myself’. I wish I interacted with people more than I do but I have no self-confidence in my ability to be social and friendly on anything more than a basic level of kindness. I have probably shared more with my writing than in person or any other social interaction and that makes me feel like a total weirdo at times. But I also tell myself I’m a writer and an Uber driver so my free time is a bit limited.
To my readers here I want to say this:
Breathe. Keep breathing until your heart isn’t pounding and your body isn’t tense like piano wire. Feel your mind clear and see the world in front of you come into focus.
Tell yourself, “I got this.” Then take things one step at a time, one task at a time. Take the day one hour at a time, one minute at a time if you have to.
Most of all, know that true self-confidence isn’t blind-ego. It’s a belief not only in yourself and what you can do, but that you can do the things you have to do, and want to do, and live your life to the fullest, including with all of your emotions.
And as I said yesterday, no one can take away your feelings even if they say they can, or if it feels like they have. This is why it’s said that self-confidence comes from within you because it’s something that’s already there. And all you have to do is believe in it, and remember that it can’t be taken from you.